#3

What can I say when I say good morning, but nobody's there to care?

You always have an excuse. Busy, woke late, rushing to get to work. They may be true, but you're wrong, all the same. How did you turn out this way? Is this how you always were? Was I ever so blind? I hate you. But I love you. I've never felt this way before. Cliche, but the whole of life is a cliche, experienced over and over again by different people. And the first time is always a surprise.

I hate you. But I love you. I could let you go right now, it only takes a minute to call, to say i'm done. Then you'd never understand, you whom I still believe in. I believe I know you, I believe you'd never wilfully hurt me, never manipulate me, never be so devious as to hide your lies behind a sweet smile. All this I believe, I do not know, and I never can claim to know because you are you and I am human.

You whom I still believe in, don't you know that belief must be fed? I am not one to blind myself, so I will never follow like the self-proclaimed faithful. I need to know you exist. I need to know I exist, to you. I am not insecure, I am human and I need to be loved. You just don't, and you can't tell me. I hate you. Yet I love you I love you, I love you. Foolishly, I whine and wait for you to feed me, curled up in my kennel, unwilling to break free.

#2

You got out of bed
and left.
Not a word, not a smile, not a kiss, not a thing.
Scared, I grabbed your arm
too tight. You gave me a look,
annoyance, disdain, rejection
and asked "What?"

"Leaving so soon?"
I can't think of anything else to say.
"Yes. I have a meeting."
I can't think of anything else to say
so I let go,
and you left
for good.

#1

Today is the tenth of January. It's been five months since.... well, if you count Skyping as seeing each other, it hasn't been that long, just a week, but you never think of it that way, because you're a pessimist. You want things to be proven to you, and you never believe.

I miss you. If I were to say this to you, you would say "I miss you too" ...three months ago. Now, you say "I know". You're doing this on purpose, but what purpose? Do you think it's kind, to draw the blade so slowly across my heart instead of stabbing hard, stabbing deep, once and for all? Your ambiguous messages leave me hurting and unable to heal.

I can fully believe that you're not spending your time partying it up, I know you well enough... I think. I don't think you've actually fallen for anyone new. Still, you're fading. Your speech is different, colder, shorter, as if your time is too precious to be spending it chatting with me. Even when you're not at work, you have to work out, watch tv, surf the net, study, eat, sleep, and a myriad of other things. And when you have no other excuse, you're simply tired.

How would you react if I broke up right now? If I just gave up wanting you to want me? If I truly did give up, I wouldn't care, but right now, imagining it, I dread that you'll respond with a curt "fine."

My heavy sighs do nothing to relieve the weight in my mind, even though someone told me not to worry, just be the best version of myself, still I think of you... not with love, but dread and fear.