#1

Today is the tenth of January. It's been five months since.... well, if you count Skyping as seeing each other, it hasn't been that long, just a week, but you never think of it that way, because you're a pessimist. You want things to be proven to you, and you never believe.

I miss you. If I were to say this to you, you would say "I miss you too" ...three months ago. Now, you say "I know". You're doing this on purpose, but what purpose? Do you think it's kind, to draw the blade so slowly across my heart instead of stabbing hard, stabbing deep, once and for all? Your ambiguous messages leave me hurting and unable to heal.

I can fully believe that you're not spending your time partying it up, I know you well enough... I think. I don't think you've actually fallen for anyone new. Still, you're fading. Your speech is different, colder, shorter, as if your time is too precious to be spending it chatting with me. Even when you're not at work, you have to work out, watch tv, surf the net, study, eat, sleep, and a myriad of other things. And when you have no other excuse, you're simply tired.

How would you react if I broke up right now? If I just gave up wanting you to want me? If I truly did give up, I wouldn't care, but right now, imagining it, I dread that you'll respond with a curt "fine."

My heavy sighs do nothing to relieve the weight in my mind, even though someone told me not to worry, just be the best version of myself, still I think of you... not with love, but dread and fear.